The Husband Store

“Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” 
~ Henry Higgins (My Fair Lady) 

Recently, after having my monthly acupuncture treatment, my therapist tested me for a “Bach Flower” remedy to enhance my treatment during the following month. Now for those of you who know a little something about homopathic medicine, you know that Bach Flowers are medicinal remedies made from flower essences to aid and assist emotional healing. Every Bach Flower has a negative and a positive quality. Positive qualities are displayed when our emotions are balanced, while the negative qualities surface when our emotions are imbalanced. So you might say that having your body call for a particular Bach flower is like wearing a Scarlet Letter displaying all your worst qualities! Needless to say, it can be a test of self evaluation––facing your reality and understanding how others may see you.

Bach Flower remedies are usually short-term remedies—a little pick-me-up, that helps rebalance and redirect your emotions positively. While the negative traits can be a slap in the face with your own reality, more annoying to me is that my husband never needs one. Never! My husband, who also has a monthly acupuncture treatment at the same clinic, never tests for a remedy. Why is this? “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” 

If I entered a room full of men and women and asked if anyone knew what a Bach Flower was, more than likely there would be a handful of women who not only knew what they were, but would instantly relate personal testimonials of their effectiveness. The men in the room wouldn’t have a clue. Or care. At all. As women, we display our emotions on our sleaves for all to see. We are sharers of information and caregivers of emotional therapy to oneanother. A simple question posed in a group of women can be the opening statement for a thesis of wisdom! Men, on the other hand, tend to keep their emotions safely bottled up inside themselves. When asked a direct question, they answer it––short and to the point. The End. They don’t feel the need to share life experiences or personal anecdotes. They are content to let others “live and let live” without need of their acquired knowledge. Instead they save up all their buried emotions as “road rage” for the jerk that cuts them off in traffic, or “phone range” for the unsuspecting phone solicitor who has called one too many times! But as women, we enjoy sharing every aspect of our lives with one another, leaving our husband’s to wonder, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

So in honor of the month we celebrate Father’s Day––our sons, husbands, dads, and grandfathers, I am sharing this wonderful allegory. Although unflattering to my gender, it is a humorous example of our high female expectations. A man takes life at face value, allowing everyone to be themselves more or less. As women we expect more. We expect perfection. With women there is always room for growth and improvement––especially within ourselves, and more importantly within our husband’s! Enjoy!

* * * * * 

The Husband Store 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find herself a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 — “These men have jobs and love the Lord.”

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 — “These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.”

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 — “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Wow,” she thinks excitedly, but feels compelled to keep shopping.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 — “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.” “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign reads: Floor 5 — “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.”

She is thrilled and so tempted to stay, but unable to resist her curiousity, she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads: Floor 6 — “You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!”

Chapstick: A Mother’s Day Story

My Mother, Shirley, at 19-years-old (1941) 

In honor of Mother’s Day and everyone working with small children, I present the following story––my favorite Mother’s Day story ever! This was an actual letter read by Ellen DeGeneres on The Ellen Show on Tuesday, May 15, 2007.  It was a letter submitted by a viewer for a Mother’s Day contest about “mothering moments” and confessions.

* * * * * 

We had this great 10-year-old cat named, Jack, who recently died. Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were four years old, three years old, and one year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved ChapStick. LOVED it! He kept asking to use my ChapStick and then would lose it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my ChapStick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around, trying to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I was trying to nurse my little one at the same time I was putting on my make-up. Everything was a mess, and everyone had long forgotten that this was a wonderful day to honor me, and the amazing job that is called, “Motherhood.”

We finally had the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I was looking for Eli. I searched everywhere and I finally went into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my ChapStick very carefully to Jack's ... rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said, “Chapped.” 

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right—their little bottoms DO look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. The only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!!?

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever—because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your ChapStick on the cat's butt! ~ Author Unknown

* * * * * 

“Some of my greatest blessings call me mommy!” ~ Author Unknown 

“The noblest calling in the world is that of mother. True Motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece or who can write a book that will influence millions deserves the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will be exerting an influence throughout the ages long after painting shall have faded, and books and statues shall have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give.” ~ President David O. McKay 

“There's a story behind everything . . . How a picture got on a wall . . . How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story because hers is where yours begins.” ~ Mitch Albom, For One More Day 

“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ~ Abraham Lincoln 


“Mothers need not fear. When mothers know ‘who they are’ and ‘who God is’ and have made covenants with Him, they will have great power and influence for good on their children.” ~ Julie Beck (General Conference, October 2007)

A “Spook”-tacular Halloween

Our Ghouls and Goblins!

“Fang”-tastic Feast!

Ashley’s Mummy Cheese Ball

Aleesha’s Brain and Worm Jell-O

Rachel’s Mummies

Aleesha’s Deviled Eyeballs

Liz’s Scary Apple Teeth

Kenzie's Cupcakes

Monsters Inc. 

(Making Monster Pumpkins)

Donut Dunkin’

 “Terror”-ific Time!

“Boo”-tiful Bunch!

Halloween Public Service Announcement

DON’T Text and Drive!!! 

The life you save may be your own!

Exercise Your Wrinkles Away!

Calling All Women! Add this to your growing collection of New Year exercise routines. My daughter, Ashley, sent this hilarious video to me. Forget about plastic surgery … Exercise your facial wrinkles away!

The thing that makes this video so funny is not that she is in full workout color coordinated clothing (although that’s funny too), but the real humor is … this is a bonafide, tried and true facial exercise!! Go ahead and try it. You know you want to. It’s funnier if you try it with a friend or watch yourself in the mirror. Bet ya can’t help laughing!

‘Twas the Night Before the Morning After

'Twas the Night Before the Morning After

By Dave Barry (The Miami Herald, December 1, 1996)

'Twas the night before Christmas … or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases.

And all through the house … Not a creature was stirring … except Dad, who was stirring his third martini—in a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood, as he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-year-old son, Bobby. It was a highly complex toy. A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of. A toy that cost more than Dad's first car. A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said “SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED.” (Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained “some water damage.”) Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle.

And speaking of space … Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life DID indeed exist, because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy. And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers. And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver. In fact, he was wondering who “Phillips” was and why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else. That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-B to Part 3047-C using a steak knife. But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house.

Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house. Mom was at the Toys “R” Us store. In fact, this was the fifth Toys “R” Us store that Mom had been to that night in her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season. It was, of course, a Barbie doll. But not just ANY Barbie doll. It had to be the new model, “Abdominals Barbie”—the one who came with her own little pink “stomach muscle” exercise device. It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season. Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it or her holiday season would be RUINED!

And so of course the Mattel Corporation, which is run by evil trolls from Hades, had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll. And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys “R” Us. Which means that the odds were against Mom, because on this same festive night thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store [kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie “Night of the Living Dead,” only less ethical]. The store was a war zone. Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle, where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club, she claimed her prize! And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents, she raced from the store, leaped into her car, and roared out of the parking lot—barely missing the Salvation Army person.

She raced back to the house, burst through the front door, and staggered into the family room, where she found Dad … Actually she found Dad's feet. The rest of Dad was under the sofa. A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there. Dad, now on his fifth martini, was trying to strangle the dog—which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-Y.

And just at that very moment … Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter … That Dad let go of the dog. And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter.

And what to their wondering eyes should appear … But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer … “Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now ... Umm ... Now ... Dancer!”

“He already said Dancer,” observed Dad.

“He can't remember them all,” said Mom.

“I think one of them is Pluto,” said Dad.

“Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?” said Mom.

“You're thinking of Bluto,” said Dad.

“Now ... Umm ... Now Flicka!” said Santa.

“Flicka was a horse, that I DO know,” said Mom.

“Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?” said Dad.

“They're going up on the roof,” said Mom.

“Like heck they are,” said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair. But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop … Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop!

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. (Which was pretty gross.)

“What's so funny?” asked Dad.

“You two,” said St. Nick. “Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!”

“Do you have kids?” asked Mom.

“Well, no,” said Santa.

“Hah,” said Mom.

“But I am beloved by children the world over,” said Santa.

“Well,” said Dad, “you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy.”

“What seems to be the problem?” said Santa, coming over to have a look.

“I'm stuck on Step 824,” said Dad.

“Who wrote these instructions?” asked Santa. “Martians?”

“Apparently,” said Dad.

“I used to be pretty good with tools,” said Santa. “Hand me that steak knife.”

“Sure,” said Dad. “Care for a martini?”

“Heck yes,” said Santa.

And so he went to work. And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed, leaving old St. Nick in the family room. He said some pretty unsaintly words, but he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled. And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America … not to mention South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa, this particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed.

Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie, and Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy, which he broke in under four minutes—a new holiday record. But it was still a festive day … Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor—which, at first, the kids did not believe. In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened … Until Dad got out the ladder. And one by one they climbed up to the roof. And there they saw it ... As real as life ... A Holiday Miracle ... Reindeer poop! (And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)

Merry Christmas!!

The Twelve Gifts of Christmas

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me … A partridge in a pear tree!"  

Some early traditions believe that this famous Christmas song was used as a “teaching tool” to instruct young people in various denominations of the Christian faith. It was written in England for young Catholics in the days when it was illegal to practice or teach the Catholic Faith. It contains hidden symbolism intended to help children remember lessons of faith. Instead of referring to an earthly suitor, the “true love” mentioned in the song really refers to God. The “me” who receives the presents is symbolic of every baptized person. Even without the symbolic connotation, the song is a playful piece that loses none of its appeal when taken at face value.

1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: The partridge in the pear tree represents Jesus on the cross. The bird imagery can also be seen as symbolic of Christ’s teaching “as hen doth gather her brood under her wings.” ~ Luke 13:34

2. Two Turtle Doves: The two turtledoves represent the Old Testament and the New Testament.

3. Three French Hens: The three French hens symbolize the members of the Godhead: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Alternately, they represent the three virtues: Faith, Hope, and Charity (or Love). ~ 1 Corinthians 13:13

4. Four Colly Birds: The four colly birds (“colly” is an old word for black) stand for the four Evangelists—Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John—or the four Gospels they wrote.

5. Five Golden Rings: The five gold rings correspond to the first five books of the gospel, sometimes referred to as the Pentateuch.

6. Six Geese A Laying: The six geese a-laying refer to the six days of the creation. ~ Genesis 1:31; Exodus 20:11

7. Seven Swans A Swimming: The seven swans a-swimming suggest the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:6-8). Alternately, the seven swans represent the seven sacraments recognized by some faith traditions.

8. Eight Maids A Milking: The eight maids a-milking signify the eight Beatitudes from Christ’s Sermon on the Mount. ~ Matthew 5:3-10

9. Nine Ladies Dancing: The nine ladies dancing embody the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit. ~ Galatians 5:22-23

10. Ten Lords A Leaping: The ten lord’s a-leaping denote the Ten Commandments. ~ Exodus 20: 3-17

11. Eleven Pipers Piping: The eleven pipers piping represent the eleven faithful disciples. ~ Luke 6:13-16; Acts 1:26

12. Twelve Drummers Drumming: The twelve drummers drumming are symbolic of the twelve doctrines in the Apostles Creed: Belief in the Father, Belief in the Son, Virgin Birth, Atonement, His Ministry after Death, His Ascension to Heaven, His Role as Judge, Belief in the Holy Ghost, Belief in the Church, Forgiveness of Sin, Resurrection, and Eternal Life. ~ Excerpts taken from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir 2009 Newsletter

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Halloween Beethoven Groaner

A tourist in Vienna was going through a graveyard, when all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source. He finally located the origin, discovering it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

As he continued to listen he realized that the music playing was Beethoven’s “Ninth Symphony” and it was being played backward! Puzzled, he left the graveyard and proceeded to persuade a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrived back at the graveyard the music had changed again. This time it was Beethoven’s “Seventh Symphony,” and like the previous piece, it was being played backward.

Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they returned with the expert, Beethoven’s “Fifth Symphony” was playing, again backward. The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed—the 9th, the 7th, and then the 5th.

By the next day word had spread and a throng had gathered around the grave. They were all listening to Beethoven’s “Second Symphony,” once again being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music.

“Don't you get it?” the caretaker said incredulously, “He's decomposing!”

(Stan Kegel's Groaner's List; “Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaner”)

Have a Happy Halloween!

Flying High on Graduation Day!

“The tassel's worth the hassle!” 
~ Author Unknown

Mckenzie—May 28, 2010

When Peter Pan taught Wendy, John, and Michael how to fly he sang, “I'm flying . . . Look at me—way up high, Suddenly—here am I . . . I'm flying!” On the night I watched my youngest daughter, Mckenzie’s final school play, Peter Pan, marking the closing months of her high school technical theater days, I was flying high inside with emotion. I couldn’t really explain what was happening to me at that moment in time . . . but as Peter Pan rose into the air singing those immortal words, my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry. Here was my baby—the last of my children—ready to spread her wings of independence and fly away to college. Here she was ending her high school experience by designing and lighting the memorable show of the boy who never wanted to grow-up!

Today is Graduation Day! And while I know there will be other graduations in the future for extended family members and grandchildren, I know there will never be another high school experience for one of our children. This is it—the end of an era, leaving us both joyful and melancholy at the same time. Erma Bombeck, humorous newspaper columnist from the mid 1960s to the late 1990s, perhaps expressed it best when she said, “Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After [eighteen] years of child-raising, they are unemployed!”

So in celebration of your day Mckenzie, I present the following bit of humor, a poem written and performed by Dr. Seuss at Lake Forest College’s 1977 graduation exercises, where he received an Honorary Degree. It is Dr. Seuss’ only known commencement address.

Background Story: Eugene Hotchkiss III, president of Lake Forest College from 1970 to 1993, told the background story about this memorable graduation:

“On Commencement morning, as the honored guests robed in their academic regalia, I asked Mr. Geisel if he would be willing to say but a few words, acknowledging his degree. His silence was penetrating. Finally the time came to read his citation. As Faculty Marshals stepped forth to place the hood over his head, I spoke these penultimate words, for which I must credit my wife, Sue: “We proclaim you not the ‘Cat in the Hat’ but the ‘Seuss in the Noose’.” And then I awarded him the College’s degree of Doctor of Humane Letters, honoris causa."

"At that moment, fearing his response, I shook his hand in a whisper and asked him if he would be willing to say a few words. He reached under his academic gown, announcing loudly for all to hear that it was ‘a bathrobe,’ pulled out a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and turned to the microphone. And the rest, as they say, is history!”



On Dr. Seuss’s piece of paper were the following words:

My Uncle Terwilliger on the Art of Eating Popovers

By Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss

My uncle ordered popovers

From the restaurant's bill of fare.

And, when they were served,

He regarded them with a penetrating stare . . .

Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom

As he sat there on that chair:

“To eat these things,” said my uncle,

“You must exercise great care.”

“You may swallow down what's solid . . .

BUT . . .

You must spit out the air!”

And as you partake of the world's bill of fare,

That's darned good advice to follow.

Do a lot of spitting out the hot air

And be careful what you swallow!

~ Dr. Seuss


[An original poem composed for the 99th Commencement of 
Lake Forest College by Theodor Seuss Geisel; June 4, 1977
]

“All our dreams can come true . . . if we have the courage 
to pursue them!” ~ Walt Disney

When I’m An Old Lady

Happy 88th Birthday Mom!

Mom’s Junior Prom Formal

“What is real?” asked the Rabbit, one day when they were lying side by side. “Does it mean hearing things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you’re made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long, long time . . . really loves you, then you become real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose at the joints. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” ~ Excerpt taken from “The Velveteen Rabbit,” by Margery Williams

* * * * *

Today is my mother’s 88th birthday! She was born in the early years of the twentieth century, living through World War II and the Great Depression. She has buried two of her five children, something parents never expect to do, or should have to do, before they go. She has also been loved by her childhood friend and sweetheart, marrying when they were both at the tender age of 19—young and naive, eager to make their mark in the world and raise a family together. Her talents are numerous—blessing the lives of her children and various grandchildren. Over the years she has spent many late nights sewing new clothes, costumes, prom dresses, bridesmaid’s dresses, and wedding gowns. She has traveled some and seen some far away places, experienced moments of glory and fame, and been loved by her spouse and their posterity. And when all is said and done that is enough. In the famous iconic words of author Nicholas Sparks in “The Notebook,” “I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.”

My mother-in-law gave me this poem many years ago. She was always cheerful and lighthearted and had the ability to find humor in the challenges of an aging body. We miss her. So in celebration of my own mother, who now needs assistance and lives with my older sister, I thought I’d post this very funny poem about aging and living with your kids. Happy Birthday Mom!

“Mother—you may have difficulty seeing and perhaps you’re getting a little loose in the joints when you walk, but like the Velveteen Rabbit, you can never be ugly when you’re loved.”

When I'm An Old Lady

By Joanne Bailey Baxter

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids…

I'll write on the walls with reds, whites, and blues,

And bounce on the furniture—wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids...

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

And when that is done, I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids...

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry—I'll run—if I'm able!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids...

I'll sit close to the TV—through the channels I'll click.

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids...

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, “She's so sweet when she's sleeping!”

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!

An Oldie But a Goodie!

“Dedicated to the One I Love”

(1967 hit pop song by ‘The Mamas and the Papas’)

Now 

Then


Happy 60th Birthday Dale!

12 Reasons Why . . . 
Being an Oldie is a Goodie:


1. Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of watching your body disintegrate. 


2. Your continuing hernia operations give you more in common with your peer group.

3. You’re a champ at history questions, since you were alive during most of it.

4. You don’t need to make a big effort to be interesting and stylish anymore. People expect you to be boring and frumpy.


5. Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re still handsome and super sexy.


6. You preserve family history by talking about the good old days when you were a kid.


7. You hear your favorite songs in the elevator and during medical office visits.


8. You are well informed as you listen incessantly to talk radio and regularly watch the Weather Channel.


9. There isn’t a generation gap between you and your grand-baby. You both take naps throughout the day.


10. 90% of the time that you spend in front of the computer is for real work.


11. Your former “get up and go” just “got up and went.” But you smile and you grin, when you think where it’s been!


12. You’ve read this entire list, desperately looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one. But it doesn’t really matter anyway, because you won’t remember reading this by tomorrow!

Top 12 Ways To Recognize a New Year!

“Whatever with the past has gone, . . .

The best is always yet to come!” ~ Lucy Larcom

Throughout the years of celebrating each new year with our growing family, we have come to recognize the dawn of each pristine beginning in numerous ways. So here for your enjoyment and thoughtful pondering of your own traditions, are my . . .

“Top 12 Ways To Recognize It’s a Brand New Year (past and present):

1. You watched Dick Clark's “New Year's Rockin' Eve” countdown to the sparkling “ball drop” in Times Square, New York City, while sitting at home in the comfort of your living room. Presently, following Dick’s unfortunate stroke and subsequent long recovery, you now watch Ryan Seacrest preform the annual ritual in Dick’s name, with Dick looking on doing studio comments.

2. Having promised your little ones they could stay up to toast in the New Year with Martinelli’s sparkling nonalcoholic cider, finally tucking them into bed, your daughter says sleepily, “But we didn’t have our toast!” Only then do you realize they thought you meant actual toast, with butter and honey.

3. You wake up in the middle of the night with the television blaring loudly, realizing everybody fell asleep in front of the television. Your poor husband is snoring uncomfortably on the floor.

4. Your kitchen pots and pans and large serving spoons are outside in the snow, after your children rang in the New Year at midnight, annoying the neighbors.

5. Hallmark, Lifetime, and the Family television channels have discontinued their “24 Days” of tear-jerking, heartfelt Christmas shows, that in reality began two months ago.



6. You have a piece of paper on your desk with the title, “New Year’s Resolutions,” which you intend to begin writing eventually . . . however the only thing listed so far is, “Stop procrastinating.”



7. You resolve to finally lose the “weight,” . . . after you’ve consumed the last piece of Christmas chocolate goodness.

8. You resolve to begin each day by being grateful, giving service to someone. You begin by being grateful you have one more piece of chocolate in the house before you begin your new diet. You give service by serving it to yourself.

9. You resolve to go through the Christmas trash bag of wrapping paper, still in the living room, to find the new television remote control and Barbie’s missing shoe, before the garbage truck comes on Friday.



10. The evening news presents their annual “Year in Review” and you wonder where you were when all that was happening, as the majority of it is “news” to you.

11. You hang up a cute new wall calendar, realizing you no longer need to write last year’s birthdays on it because you now use an electronic calendar. Never again will you miss that January 1st birthday and have to send belated greetings. Sadly, you usually forget to check your technology on January 1st and send belated greetings anyway.

12. You begin the New Year by: Making a new “To Do” list on your computer, adding in things you’ve already done today so you can have the satisfaction of crossing them off and feeling accomplished as well as giving purpose to the “strikethrough” font you’ve never used; Creating a January computer screen saver; Deleting 200 old emails that were still sitting in your inbox; Creating a new signature quote and writing “Happy New Year” on every outgoing email!

Happy 2010 Everybody!

“Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present!”

~ Thomas S. Monson

A New Kind of Nativity!

Nine Grandchildren, Dec. 2009

“And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger . . . And there were in the same country shepherds [and Luke Skywalker, along with three wise guys] abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock [and their doggies] by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid [some were wild and crazy, others stunned in silence].”

The Four Stages of Life

Santa and Ashley (1987)

1. You BELIEVE in Santa Claus.
2. You DON’T BELIEVE in Santa Claus.
3. You ARE Santa Claus.
4. You LOOK like Santa Claus!


“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

~ Shirley Temple, Child Actress

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Santa!

Santa and Me (1955)

The bestseller book, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," by Robert Fulgrum, has encouraged numerous, anonymous Internet authors to take pen in hand and write their own versions of life knowledge gained. After all, why over-analyze life when it’s mysteries can be simple! Here’s the Christmas version of knowledge gained and life solved! Enjoy!

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Santa!


1. Encourage people to believe in you.
2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
3. Don't pout.
4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
5. Some days it's okay to feel a little chubby.
6. Make your presents known.
7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
8. Bright red can make anyone look good.
9. Wear a wide belt and no one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
11. Whenever you're at a loss for words say, “Ho, Ho, Ho!”

“Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you’re helping Santa Claus. To me, that’s what Christmas is all about . . . helping Santa Claus! ~ Louis Sachar

Gratitude Rocks!

“Gratitude is the heart’s memory.” ~ French Proverb 



Carrying a “gratitude rock” in your pocket was made popular by the best selling book, The Secret. Presently you can find unique gratitude rocks in countless shapes, colors, and sizes on numerous websites. The gratitude rock story was about a man named, Lee Brower, whose life seemed to move at such a fast pace that he unconsciously ended up ignoring all of the wonderful experiences, relationships and blessings he had. So he began carrying (what he called) a “gratitude rock” in his pocket, in reality just a small, smooth stone that he picked up by a pond of water. Whenever he put his hand in his pocket and touched the stone—usually several times a day—it was a reminder to him to give thanks for something, usually something happening at that given moment, whether good or bad. Now he carries it with him where ever he goes!



A similar story was published by a writer for the Washington Post, as part of an experiment asking the question, “How many people would recognize beauty in a place where it wasn't expected?”

On a busy workday as commuters rushed toward their busy schedules in Washington, D.C., a 39-year-old man dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and a baseball cap took out an old violin and began to play. Few people noticed. Most kept their eyes on the ground or looked straight ahead. A few, talking on cell phones, raised their voices in order to be heard over the music. These were, after all, busy people. They had work to do and appointments to keep. They did not stop and they did not listen. What they missed was a rare performance by one of the greatest violinists in the world playing his Stradivarius violin, worth more than three million dollars. He chose to play some of the most technically demanding, elegant music ever written for his instrument, and he played with all the passion and perfection that he had become known for throughout the world.

During the 43-minute concert, nearly 1,100 people passed by. Of those, only seven stopped to listen even for a moment. The writer, who won a Pulitzer Prize for his article about the unheard violinist, summarized the experience with these words: “If we can't take the time out of our lives to stay a moment and listen to one of the best musicians on Earth play some of the best music ever written; if the surge of modern life so overpowers us that we are deaf and blind to something like that--then what else are we missing?” (Lloyd D. Newell, "Music and the Spoken Word," Nov. 1, 2009, Broadcast #4181)

The world offers us daily moments of beauty that can enrich our lives—if we open our eyes and open our hearts! I was diagnosed with a devastating chronic illness, called Lyme disease, 14 years ago and my life has never been the same. The crippling effects of my condition make life a daily challenge. So . . . long ago I decided that just for today . . . every day . . . I'd choose to be in an attitude of gratitude for all God’s gifts. We get to choose how each day begins and receive the positive energy that accompanies our awareness and gratitude for all the many blessings in our lives.

It is amazing how this simple act of daily gratitude can change our perspective and, ultimately, our attitude. Instead of seeing the glass half-empty, it’s half-full. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, lets focus on what we DO have—right now!



A very wise person once told me, “You won’t attract what you don’t have, until you learn to be grateful for what you do have.” The law of attraction does not focus on our lack—what’s missing, but instead focuses on gratitude for the gifts of life we already have!

So here’s a challenge for today—this season of thanksgiving. Push the “pause” button on your life and take a moment to write down 10 things you are grateful for today. Then grab your own “rock of gratitude” and carry it in your pocket to remind you to live in gratitude each and every day! Hold your gratitude rock in your hand and think about the people and things that you have in your life right now which you are grateful for. Think about the incredible experiences you've had as a result of having these special people and possessions in your life. When you do this on a consistent basis and start to associate the power of these experiences and the feeling of gratitude with your “gratitude rock,” you’ll begin creating a very formidable base from which everything else will grow.

Remember whenever you find yourself overwhelmed by life's daily stresses, all you need to do is to grab your gratitude rock and feel its positive energy to put yourself in the right state of mind immediately.



Each day we have a new canvas placed before us. How will we use it? Here’s what I’m grateful for today. What’s on your list?

My Gratitude Rocks:


1. My Savior; His unconditional love and sacrifice for me.


2. My husband, Dale, and 37 years of marriage, wisdom, dry humor, encouragement, love and support.


3. Our family, immediate and extended and the love they give.


4. Our home; I am warm, dry, and comfortable.


5. The fact that I have enough to eat today.


6. A family business thanks to the hard work of Dale’s parents.


7. Living in the age of technology, the Internet highway of information.


8. Good books to read and heartfelt movies to ponder!


9. Laughter and Sunshine—The Very Best Medicine!


10. Dark Chocolate! (You've read my thoughts about that on a previous blog.)

“Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!”

Happy Birthday Sweet 18!

Today’s the day you’ve waited for,

Because you're not a baby anymore.

You've turned into the prettiest girl we've ever seen,

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

What happened to that baby face,

Our little girl with curls and lace?

We can't believe you're such a teenage dream,

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

I have to smile with sweet surprise,

Somehow you've grown up before our very eyes.

You've turned into the loveliest girl we've ever seen,

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

Born in the month of gratitude, I’m proud to be your mother,

You’re our bright shiny star . . . like no other.

Now 18, on THIS—the 18th day . . . you're queen!

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

Wishing Happy Birthday to you,

Hope all your fondest dreams come true.

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

Happy Birthday Sweet Eighteen!

We Love You!

Happy 18th Birthday Kenzi!

The Gift Called Old Age

“Old age is when you still have something on the ball, 


But you are just too tired to bounce it!” ~ Author Unknown



As my husband and I approach the years that were promised to be “golden,” mourning the loss of his parents and watching mine go into assisted living, the prospect of aging looks daunting to say the least. Recently I received the following email message, forwarded from a friend. It’s just too good not to share. I was unable to discover it’s original author, but the message truly resonated within me. The timing to read this could not have been more perfect. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!



The Gift Called Old Age 



The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question and I would ponder it, and let her know.



“Old Age,” I’ve decided, is a gift! I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt . . . and that old person that lives in my mirror often startles me! However I don't agonize over these things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family, for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I have aged I've become kinder and less critical of myself. I've become my own best friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4:00 a.m. and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's and 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful, but there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And eventually I remember the important things.

Sure over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? However broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think! I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong!

So, to answer your question, I like being old because it has set me free! I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)!

To all the Golden Oldies: “May you always have a rainbow of smiles on your face and in your heart forever!”

Smothered By Chocolate!

Nobody knows the “truffles” I've seen! It has been said that, “Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but woman sure can!” I’d have to agree. As a teenager I loved The Smothers Brothers, the lanky, crew cut, fresh-faced singing siblings. There was Tommy, the older, ‘dumber’ brother and Dicky, the annoyed straight man of the famous comedic duet. They would launch into a well-known folk song, only to have Tommy ruin it, much to the delight of the audience and the consternation of Dick. Song after song would come to an untimely demise by the sometimes innocent, sometimes gleefully naughty, antics of Tom. Every television variety show would come to a climactic war of words between the brothers, with Dick pointing out all of Tom’s flaws, shouting him down until Tommy would burst forth with, “Oh yeah? Well, Mom always liked you best,” bringing fits of laughter from the audience.

My favorite Smothers Brothers record was titled simply, “Chocolate,” deliciously hilarious with a visually delectable chocolate album cover. My favorite song, “I Fell into a Vat of Chocolate,” went like this:



Tom (singing): “I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of chocolate . . .”



Dick (singing): “What’d you do when you fell in the chocolate?”



Both: “La dee doo dum, la dee doo dum day.”



Tom (singing): “I yelled ‘FIRE’ when I fell into the chocolate!”



Dick (annoyed, singing): “Why’d you yell ‘fire’ when you fell into the chocolate?”



Tom: “I yelled ‘fire’ ‘cause no one would help me if I yelled, ‘CHOCOLATE!’”



Both: “La dee doo dum, la dee doo dum day.”

I don't understand why so many "so called" chocolate lovers complain about the calories in chocolate, when all true chocoholics know that chocolate is a vegetable! Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans and beans are a vegetable. Furthermore, sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category as well. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

So if you’re a chocolate lover and feel guilty as you devour each tasty morsel of sweetness, take reassurance in this timely message. After all, stress wouldn’t be so hard to take if it were chocolate covered. Furthermore, chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment!

Chocolate is delicious, delectable, and soothing! And yes, American! Originally chocolate was a New World discovery, one of the most sought-after treasures in Europe, brought back from the brave new land across the Atlantic. It seems like everyday, there's a new report about a medical study confirming chocolate is, in fact, a health food. Don’t you just love the news stories that report it’s rich antioxidant goodness, cardiovascular health, and even diabetes strength? It’s just what chocolate lovers everywhere want to hear about this beloved American guilty pleasure. We want to be “smothered” in our own decadent vat of chocolate!

I could give up chocolate, but then I'm not a quitter. So remember, life can be hard, but chocolate definitely helps! In honor of the healing emotional affects of chocolate, here’s my favorite “Top 10 List of Chocolate Quotes.” Indulge in their chocolaty goodness and find yourself another reason to go for a piece of chocolate!

The Top 10 List of Chocolate Quotes:
1. “In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.” ~ Author Unknown
2. “There are four basic food groups: Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, White Chocolate, and Chocolate Truffles.” ~ Author Unknown
3. “Forget love . . . I'd rather fall in chocolate!!!” ~ Author Unknown
4. “Life is like a box of chocolates . . . You never know what you're gonna’ get!” ~ Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks)
5. “Make a list of important things to do today. At the top of your list put, 'Eat Chocolate.' Now, you'll get at least one thing done today!”

~ Gina Hayes
6. “There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate!” ~ Linda Grayson, “The Pickwick Papers”
7. “The 12-Step Chocoholics Program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!” ~Terry Moore
8. “All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!” ~ Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz
9. “Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst
10. “I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?” ~ Author Unknown

*For a healthy Nature’s Sunshine Chocolate bar, made with Xylitol, click here. Xylitol is an organic compound, naturally occurring sugar substitute, found in the fibers of many fruits and vegetables.

Bugs Love Me!

We all want to love and to be loved, an innate instinct most of us are born with. Love is one of mankind’s strongest desires. Humans search for it longingly, end up in therapy when it is denied, and even murder one another for it, as is evident on the evening news. Love and hate are powerful words and are often used simultaneously, referencing the same object of affection. However all love is not requited. Sometimes those we love do not love us in return and those who seek our attention go unnoticed and rejected.

In my case, bugs love me! This is disturbing on so many levels, given my Lyme disease carrying tick bite that went unnoticed and was never formerly requested. I have had a long unreciprocated love affair with bugs. I hate bugs, but unfortunately they have always loved me.

One might ask why this affection? It is a mystery to me. Long before my tick incident, mosquitoes loved me. Is it my pale white, transparent Norwegian skin that makes me an easy target, as these blood sucking long legged flies penetrate my skin? Perhaps it is my particular brand of blood, sweeter than most and tantalizing to their insect taste-buds. As an example, if my husband, Dale, and I were driving in a car with three mosquito passengers, I would return home with three mosquito bites, more than likely excessively swelled and itching intensely. Dale would return unscathed, as if riding with butterflies.

Bugs love me! And now, much to my dismay, household flies, probably mosquito cousins having been sent in search of me, love me too. They don’t just fly around my nose and ears searching for entry. They have adopted me as their pet, sitting defiantly on my hands and wrists as I type, refusing to leave or be swatted away. They seem to know I can’t chase them down in my condition and they seek refuge and solitude with me. When Dale enters the room intent on their demise, they disappear like ghosts in the night, leaving me as the only testimony of their existence. Lately, while I am alone with my torturous flies, I have taken to yelling at them in a stern voice of authority, letting them know I am serious about wanting them to depart. I say, “Go away! Leave me alone! I hate you . . . you miserable excuse for an insect!” They don’t listen. They are not like houseplants that wither and die when unkind words are continuously projected towards them. My flies just sit and bask in the love-hate relationship we have developed. I have unkind thoughts towards them and do not mourn their deaths. I know there is a purpose for everything, but could somebody tell me, why flies? Why bugs? Bugs love me! Their love is unreturned.

“God in His wisdom made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why!”

~ Ogden Nash, “The Fly”

“We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. ~ Richard Vaughan

“Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.”

~ Price Cobb