‘Twas the Night Before the Morning After

'Twas the Night Before the Morning After

By Dave Barry (The Miami Herald, December 1, 1996)

'Twas the night before Christmas … or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases.

And all through the house … Not a creature was stirring … except Dad, who was stirring his third martini—in a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood, as he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-year-old son, Bobby. It was a highly complex toy. A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of. A toy that cost more than Dad's first car. A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said “SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED.” (Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained “some water damage.”) Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle.

And speaking of space … Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life DID indeed exist, because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy. And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers. And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver. In fact, he was wondering who “Phillips” was and why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else. That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-B to Part 3047-C using a steak knife. But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house.

Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house. Mom was at the Toys “R” Us store. In fact, this was the fifth Toys “R” Us store that Mom had been to that night in her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season. It was, of course, a Barbie doll. But not just ANY Barbie doll. It had to be the new model, “Abdominals Barbie”—the one who came with her own little pink “stomach muscle” exercise device. It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season. Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it or her holiday season would be RUINED!

And so of course the Mattel Corporation, which is run by evil trolls from Hades, had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll. And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys “R” Us. Which means that the odds were against Mom, because on this same festive night thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store [kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie “Night of the Living Dead,” only less ethical]. The store was a war zone. Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle, where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club, she claimed her prize! And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents, she raced from the store, leaped into her car, and roared out of the parking lot—barely missing the Salvation Army person.

She raced back to the house, burst through the front door, and staggered into the family room, where she found Dad … Actually she found Dad's feet. The rest of Dad was under the sofa. A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there. Dad, now on his fifth martini, was trying to strangle the dog—which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-Y.

And just at that very moment … Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter … That Dad let go of the dog. And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter.

And what to their wondering eyes should appear … But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer … “Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now ... Umm ... Now ... Dancer!”

“He already said Dancer,” observed Dad.

“He can't remember them all,” said Mom.

“I think one of them is Pluto,” said Dad.

“Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?” said Mom.

“You're thinking of Bluto,” said Dad.

“Now ... Umm ... Now Flicka!” said Santa.

“Flicka was a horse, that I DO know,” said Mom.

“Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?” said Dad.

“They're going up on the roof,” said Mom.

“Like heck they are,” said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair. But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop … Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop!

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. (Which was pretty gross.)

“What's so funny?” asked Dad.

“You two,” said St. Nick. “Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!”

“Do you have kids?” asked Mom.

“Well, no,” said Santa.

“Hah,” said Mom.

“But I am beloved by children the world over,” said Santa.

“Well,” said Dad, “you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy.”

“What seems to be the problem?” said Santa, coming over to have a look.

“I'm stuck on Step 824,” said Dad.

“Who wrote these instructions?” asked Santa. “Martians?”

“Apparently,” said Dad.

“I used to be pretty good with tools,” said Santa. “Hand me that steak knife.”

“Sure,” said Dad. “Care for a martini?”

“Heck yes,” said Santa.

And so he went to work. And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed, leaving old St. Nick in the family room. He said some pretty unsaintly words, but he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled. And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America … not to mention South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa, this particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed.

Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie, and Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy, which he broke in under four minutes—a new holiday record. But it was still a festive day … Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor—which, at first, the kids did not believe. In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened … Until Dad got out the ladder. And one by one they climbed up to the roof. And there they saw it ... As real as life ... A Holiday Miracle ... Reindeer poop! (And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)

Merry Christmas!!