What is Love?
What is Love? In an ideal world, we are supposed to deeply love one another. In fact the word “Sisterhood” has become an action verb in our society, signifying loving relationships closely bonded in love, even without a blood connection. Romantic movies and favorite novels paint pictures of perfection, making us feel inadequate if we have a sibling, parent, or spouse relationship with a less than perfect scenario.
“Love” and “Hate” are intimately linked within the human brain. Although they appear to be polar opposites, scientists studying the physical nature of hate have found that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for it, are the same as those that are used during the feeling of romantic love. These two seemingly opposite four letter words have been responsible for wars fought and relationships gained and severed. The complicated relationship of Love and Hate has been consistently explored in literature and cinema throughout history.
Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. The truth is, relationships are complicated—often with shades of Love and Hate that can directly influence our self esteem—“Who we are,” and “What we become.” According to psychologist, Vicki Stark, author of “My Sister, My Self,” this is especially true of sister relationships.
Sister Relationships
Stark says “Your childhood relationship with your sister or sisters greatly influences your identity as an adult … The quality of that childhood sister relationship is a powerful determining force in your self-esteem. Sister relationships are somewhat like computers. When they work, nothing can bring you more pleasure and make you feel more competent. When they don't, nothing can make you more miserable.”
The lyrics from the 1996 song, “No Matter What,” popularized by the group Boyzone, remind us of the influence those we love and grow up with have on our psychological development. “No matter what they tell us, No matter what they do, No matter what they teach us, What we believe is true.”
As adults, the feelings of Love and Hate formed in the nursery of our lives can still evoke powerful feelings within us. Close sister relationships can arouse feeling of intense emotion that can “push our buttons” as we alternately find one another heavy burdens to bear, as well as treasured gifts from God.
If we are fortunate enough to have a “bonded” sister relationship, our lives can be blessed in a unique way. Bonded sister relationships are desirable because bonded sisters are loved for themselves—just the way they are. There is great satisfaction that comes with being totally accepted for who you are. Stark says that bonded sisters “have so much fun.” They enjoy hanging out together—just being in the same room. And there is a laughter factor—they love to laugh!
Stark further explains that, “The effect of the sister stamp in relationships even crosses generations. At times, it is at the root of mother-daughter conflict … Older sisters, who were given a lot of praise and status in the surrogate mother role growing up, tend to find raising their own children a pleasure. Those who were burdened with too much responsibility and not given adequate support by their parents when they were kids sometimes experience parenting as an unwelcome chore. … Mothers who have trouble controlling their little girls are often women who didn't have very much power in their own childhood families.”
You might find yourself asking, “How can we come from the same family and see the world so differently?” We don’t always share the same political, religious, or moral values as our siblings. Yet often in our society we are expected to agree because of the bond of blood we share. Adult older siblings may feel burdened with their childhood roles where they were expected to set an example, protect and care for their younger siblings—especially when their need for “control” is still very much front and center in their lives. Their younger siblings have grown up and no longer wish to be bullied and manipulated into submission, desiring to have an equal say in family discussions. Younger siblings may also experience hurtful feelings when their opinions are dismissed and ignored as if they were invisible.
Unfortunately, it is difficult for siblings to “agree to disagree,” especially when our siblings behavior hurts our feelings or our pride. So we tend to either respond in anger or to completely withdraw rather than talking about the true source of conflict. The lack of communication then causes of general lack of trust, evoking a vicious cycle that is difficult to navigate.
Sometimes real-life events, beyond the control of parents or children, may stress and destabilize families, sometimes resulting in conflict between sisters (a death in the family, aging parents, or Illness—physical or mental.) According to Vicki Stark, the sibling bond is often strongly influenced by these situations. “Either the kids band together into a tight, cohesive team or they scatter to the winds, each one trying desperately to protect him or herself. … Sisters know which buttons to push to make the other feel guilty. The button-pusher tries to control the relationship by making her sister feel guilty.”
Like in countries at war, we never know when the war of the family will erupt, as life’s twists and turns often unearth buried hostilities. The death of a brother or sister can be a terrible shock to the family unit, causing a meridian of negative feelings—guilt for time not spent, blame for how they died, and even unresolved feelings of childhood jealousy. However, the death of a sibling can also bring families closer together and strengthen their bonds of love. With our siblings we can express our sorrow, anger, and guilt—freely. Our childhood stories and memories are treasured—comforting us with laughter and healing. Our tears are accepted by those who’ve shared our lives and by sharing—our pain is diminished.
Going Into the Forest
In the Hindu religion it is said that there is a time when people of a certain age “go into the forest.” Having accomplished their life goals of marriage, children and work, they enter a time when new choices are available. As they enter this new forest of life they may decide to reconnect with people lost and to distance themselves from others. However, the first and foremost question on their mind upon entering the forest is, “Who am I?”
As we each enter our own forest of tranquility and renewal, will we be carriers of grief and rage, jealousy, pride, or guilt. It has been suggested that there are parts of the forest where we may leave these feelings. There is also a place in the forest where we may find those who we’ve hurt, or who might have hurt us in the past. The forest becomes a place where we can sit a while and ponder, watching the leaves move in the wind, as we drink a bit from the rushing stream.
Author, Jane Isay, in her book, “Mom Still Likes You Best,” sums up our individual experiences in the forest with the following words of encouragement. “We can all eventually resolve the childhood emotions that families evoke in times of stress … As we leave this place [our forest], we may, if we are very lucky, find what we have been looking for: our better selves, the part of us that can love and forgive, play and dance, mourn and cry, and look up to the heavens with joy!” She further explains, “Nothing worthwhile is easy … and nothing difficult is accomplished to perfection.”
Vicki Stark concludes “It is possible to soften the sister influence, as well as celebrate it!” We can take charge of the hidden dynamics that have shaped our lives!
Finding Forgiveness
Much has been written about healing our relationships through love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an essential part in finding the light of life. It helps us release the subconscious blocks that hold us back from experiencing the life we were intended to live and enjoy. However, one of the best definitions of forgiveness I’ve heard teaches us that real “Forgiveness” is “Giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” You let go of that hope, the wish, that you’d had a different parent, sister, or spouse … You let that go, so you can move forward with the grace God has given you.
Three Parts to a Proper Apology
“If you’ve done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it’s as if there’s an infection in your relationship. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound … Proper apologies have three parts: 1) What I did was wrong. 2) I feel badly that I hurt you. 3) How do I make this better?” ~ Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
